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When she dumps you, rather than explain it all in detail, she may just tell her friends that she caught you jerking off over a copy of Attitude. These are the things that strangle love in the cradle. The rest will follow naturally. Thus, she will retain her confidence and shed only you. She'll never fancy you again. The ruder you are to them, the more she'll adore you.

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Go vegan, then insist you won't eat carrots, mushrooms or any kind of salad because you don't like them.

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This behaviour will soon drive her into the arms of a kinder and more attentive man, whom she doesn't fancy as much as you but likes better. Don't stop until you're staggering, slurring and slightly embarrassing yourself. On the phone, make sure to tap audibly at an email while she's speaking. There's something weirdly annoying about men who take a lot of long baths.

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